whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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