He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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