we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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