You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Your penis caused this!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
