So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just want nice things and good sex
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
