My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
