There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
