i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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