I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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