nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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