Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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