Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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