Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
