yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
