I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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