I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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