i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
