o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
