You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
