I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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