well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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