Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
