so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
