i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
