Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
