Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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