well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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