sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When did angry sex become our thing?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
