Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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