She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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