I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
