They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Randomize
