i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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