Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
