A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Randomize
