I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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