Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
