just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
