walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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