I think i sorta joined a cult last night
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
