He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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