either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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