We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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