Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
