My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why are your pants in the freezer?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
