There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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