I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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