I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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