lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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