My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
