it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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