the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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